‘HE’S 70 AND FAIRLY WEALTHY’: I MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THREE YEARS AGO. HOW DO I POLITELY ASK THAT HE INCLUDE ME IN HIS WILL?
Dear Quentin,
I’ll get right to it. I met the love of my life and we are now in an almost three-year relationship. He’s 70 and fairly wealthy. I’m 77 and independent, but not wealthy. I own my own home, as does he. We are both in good health, and we both agree that marriage is not on the table.
However, we both love, trust and are committed to each other completely. As life partners, there are the obvious health and financial concerns. His will designates his estate to his boys, both millionaires in their own right who don’t need his money.
His two sons are against any kind of commitment, as their dad has had two failed marriages. The last marriage almost wiped him out financially, and the divorce was ugly. I am not interested in his estate. I’m only interested in living out our lives comfortably and taking care of each other.
The burning question: What if he passes before me? Without an agreement or being named in his will, I’m left without anything. Since we are committed to being life partners, how do I approach the issue of establishing a trust for me or adding me to his will?
It is such a delicate yet necessary conversation to broach.
In Love
Dear In Love,
It’s a delicate subject to broach, but not a necessary one.
There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it. I’m not going to beat around the bush. And there’s no point in softening the blow. The best way for me to give you the hard truth is to tell it like it is. No prevaricating here. I believe you need to hear this.
You can tell I like cliffhangers, can’t you? There is a whopping inconsistency in your letter. We can actually disagree about the size of the inconsistency, but hopefully we can find some common ground regarding the fact that there is a contradiction here — and not an insignificant one.
You say you are not interested in his estate, but you have expressed interest in receiving a slice of it after he’s gone. His sons, rightly or wrongly, believe that he’s been taken to the cleaners two too many times. It seems like he can’t catch a break.
Without a will or a trust, as you say, you are left without anything … of his. That’s not such a cruel and unusual outcome. You’ve had a happy, loving relationship. You still have everything you have earned throughout your lifetime. That’s everything — everything you had before you met.
You say you are not interested in his estate, but you have expressed interest in receiving a slice of it.
It’s a bold move, asking your partner of three years if he would include you in his will or — “I’ve got a better idea!” — set up a trust for you. If the roles were reversed, I suspect you might believe that he was interested in your money as much as he was interested in you.
Three years is not a long time to be together before making such a request. But you don’t ask me whether you should make it, just how to raise the subject. So if you must ask, come straight out with it. “How would you feel about setting up a trust for me in case you die before me?”
Or: “I know your sons don’t want you to get married again and I understand, but I would like to explore the idea of setting up a trust where we each leave each other our homes and X amount of money.” You’re seven years older than your boyfriend, so your life expectancy is almost even.
It’s not exactly artfully worded, but a more opaque request would be the verbal equivalent of Gretel leaving Hansel a trail of breadcrumbs, and you would risk coming across as unctuous and mealy-mouthed at best and underhanded or menacing at worst.
Just because people are dating in their 70s does not mean the wealthier partner has to call their estate attorney.
The problem: You are making a request for financial stability when you already have found that golden fleece and, even if you did not have independence, it’s not his responsibility to provide that for you. So it would be wise to offer to do the same and put yourselves on an even playing field.
I can’t help thinking that you feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place — a three-year relationship and the fact that you are both in your 70s. But just because people are dating in their 70s does not mean the wealthier partner has to call their estate attorney.
Another, perhaps more diplomatic way into the estate-planning conversation is to be of service to each other. Ask your boyfriend if he has put in place a financial and healthcare power of attorney, for instance. But suggest one or both of his sons for this role. Don’t nominate yourself!
You can also examine your own financial insecurities, and take action: Consult an estate-planning attorney or certified public accountant and see if your expenses are in line with your income from Social Security and other sources, like an IRA or 401(k), assuming you have one or the other.
Your respective ages and circumstances mean that you don’t actually need to muddy the waters with money.
Mark my words: When your husband’s sons get wind of the fact that you asked — after three relatively short years – to be included in his will or to have a trust created with you named as beneficiary, they will double down on their wishes for their father to lock up his estate.
Just because someone with $1 million or $10 million or $100 million enters into a relationship, it does not mean that they owe their boyfriend or girlfriend anything other than their time, their honesty, their fidelity (if that is agreed upon) and their respect. Money is not part of the deal.
If your boyfriend does not wish to get married, he likely doesn’t want to commingle any of his assets, either. He is not looking to support a partner and does feel obliged to give any money to his partner as a symbol of how much he loves her. It’s simply off the table.
I’m puzzled: You don’t need his money, so why do you want it? You have your own home, which I assume is paid off, and you appear to have enough money to live on. You have gotten a taste of his lifestyle, but there’s no rulebook that says you should become accustomed to it.
You have gotten a taste of his lifestyle, but there’s no rulebook that says you should become accustomed to it.
Marriage dates back thousands of years and was essentially created to protect people’s property and finances. It was then, as it is now, a contract. That’s why people lose their shirts when they break the marriage contract. Or, in more extreme cases, murder their partner.
Signing a marriage contract is a serious business and should not be undertaken lightly. Two people marry because they want to show that they intend to stay together for the rest of their lives. Marriage also provides legal protection for children of that union.
People sign prenuptial agreements because they know that, despite their best intentions, feelings change and circumstances change. Just ask the Golden Bachelor and his bride, who are also both in their 70s. That marriage lasted about five minutes (actually, three months).
The irony here is that your respective ages and circumstances mean that you don’t need to muddy the waters with money. That’s a gift. Your boyfriend doesn’t need a prenup, marriage license or bequest to know that he loves you for who you are, regardless of money. Do you?
If the answer is no, simply enjoy the time you have together.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
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